The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
