just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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