Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
