Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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