I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
