At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You need a sexual gate keeper
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
