youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
