You're my little dorito
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
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I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just invented taco cereal.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
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Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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