Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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