Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
