No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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