we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
