is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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