well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early