I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
