Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
