There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
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He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
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You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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