i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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