pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
