I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Randomize
