remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
