i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
