Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
MIDGETS
????
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
