she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
