don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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