You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
