Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
