this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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