im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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