broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
