Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Randomize
