btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
