Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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