Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
