no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
