I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
