Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
