You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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