Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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