How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
