does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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