I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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