we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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