This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize