there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
