At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
