she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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