It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
