Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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