My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
