It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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