Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
