Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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