My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
