Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
