you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
