Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
