im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
