New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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