god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
