A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
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i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
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I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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