Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
