Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
